Book Review: You Are a Bad Ass

You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I am not sure whether Stephen R. Covey would have appreciated the title of this book, but I am confident he would have approved the content. Covey, like most of my favorite authors, writes philosophy in a way that is modern but still fairly conservative and didactic. This book is what happens when a member of the Millennial Generation runs up on the rocks of life, seeks internally and externally for answers, does a bunch of reading, runs it all through a sieve, and writes up what comes out the other end. The content isn't new, but the take is fresh, the presentation is enjoyable, and the result is just as helpful. It's like a good cover of a classic, the Ataris meet Don Henley. The original is good, but if you are open to it, the remix is, too.

The basics are these:
--For good or ill, our brains are hardwired by both birth and experience in such a way that we may not even remember why it is that we believe what we believe. As grownups, it is our responsibility to have a look at the subconscious beliefs that do not serve us and root them out of there. Be gone with the "you aren't good enough" messages of our youth.
--A higher power exists. All things are possible when we tap in vibrationally.
--Loving ourselves unconditionally is not optional. It's the fuel for all things good.
--Brain health matters. Meditate. Eat right. Jettison the negative thoughts. Get enough sleep.
--Spend time developing a vision for your life and keep it top of mind.
--Live in gratitude. Forgive those who trespass against you. Lighten up. Get over yourself.
--When you truly believe in something, you can make it happen. Need money? Determine how much and by when. Once you are clear, the manifesting can begin. But you have to believe.
--If you want to get unstuck, decide to get unstuck. Make a plan, take action, give up on the idea of perfection, move forward. Revise, repeat. It'll happen.

I'd love to facilitate a meeting with Covey, Sincero, Wayne Dyer, Don Miguel Ruiz, Sheryl Sandberg, and Daniel Amen, just to see how long it would take them to realize they agree with each other despite their different approaches to the same fundamentals. Sincero's program for building IQ, PQ, EQ and SQ would make Covey proud. Her prescriptions for manifesting a great life are the stuff of a Wayne Dyer PBS special. Any young woman who rejects what others tell her about herself (a la Ruiz, or for that matter, Jane Eyre) can join Sandberg in the C-Suite whenever she wants. Nothing here is going to change my life, but I would highly recommend the book to anyone who struggles to get through a whole volume of the traditional stuff. You'll laugh, think, question yourself, grow a little, and laugh again. Nothing better.

It took four pages to summarize this one, but there's an important lesson in each chapter. Download it free here.






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Chapter 5: Express Your Voice - Vision, Discipline, Passion and Conscience

So these are the four words that will comprise my mantra this next month, representing the "highest manifestations of the four intelligences," the four sides of our human nature.

•  Mental/IQ (Mind) = Vision
• Physical/PQ (Body) = Discipline
• Emotional/EQ (Heart) = Passion
• Spiritual/SQ (Spirit) = Conscience

Happiness comes to those who develop all four of these aspects co-equally. And, as Covey notes, influence comes as well. Don't we always describe leaders with words like vision, discipline, passion and conscience? The people we willingly follow have those things.

Chapter 5 goes to the root of The 8th Habit, Find Your Voice and Inspire Others to Find Theirs. Voice is defined as "unique personal significance" and it lies at the intersection of our talents, passions, conscience, and need.  There's the four aspects again. Get it?

I loved the diagram on page 85 so much I took a picture of it.

Vision is being able to see something before it exists in reality, and believing in it so strongly that you can bring it about. Covey calls envisioning "the first creation" and points out that all things are created twice. First we see it, then we can develop it. Six or seven years ago I created a clear vision of myself in a house on Lake Erie. Four years ago I moved in. Lately I have been seeing myself on the beach in Florida. Plans for making that happen are coming together. I am not quite sure yet how I will pull off some of the details, but I have a very clear picture in my head and that is the first creation.  (I am quite slender in those pictures, by the way.)

In my work I have helped many groups and organizations to develop their vision statements, their shared picture of the future they are working together to create. I've found over the years that in every group there are some individuals who resist spending any amount of time in a group visioning process, but to me (and to others) this "first creation" is vital. No matter what a group exists to do (mission) it will achieve it much more quickly if the people involved all have a clear vision of the end result. Vision keeps people engaged, fires up their energy, and keeps them on the same path forward. It is an indispensable part of any collaborative effort.

Discipline means many things. Representing the physical side of our nature, it has to do with the ability to resist that which is bad for us and to focus on that which supports our goals. It's willpower and execution and sacrificing good things in order to have better. As part of my year-long journey through The 8th Habit I will be finishing a book I bought a while ago called The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control by Walter Mischel, the scientist who first taught us that 4 year olds who can delay gratification (one marshmallow now or two later) grow up to be adults with successful careers and solid 401(k)s. Fortunately for us grown ups, he also knows how we can build up the muscles of self-discipline. Watch for a future blog.

Passion is the overarching attribute of an enthusiast, someone who believes in creating the future with vision and discipline, rather than wallowing in hopelessness and helplessness. A passionate person is one whose talents have been unlocked and who is engaged in an effort that brings her or him great joy, whether it be a personal relationship or a social cause. Without passion, we can go through the motions, even bring some skills to our work, but we will never achieve at the highest levels unless we are all in. Lack of passion is a sign that we are on the wrong track, that we have not yet found our own voice. If we aren't bringing our whole heart to our endeavors, something is amiss.

Conscience is the crux of it all, the aspect that powers all the rest of it. Covey teaches that the fastest route to growing in our personal and interpersonal effectiveness is through addressing spiritual values like fairness, integrity, and service. Conscience (the highest manifestation of spirit) fuels our efforts to grow in the other three aspects. To those with a highly developed conscience, the ends never justify the means. Covey believes in certain universal principles - kindness, respect, responsibility, honesty, contribution - and says that living in alignment with these is the path to happiness. They are as immutable as gravity and the Law of the Harvest: we reap what we sow. We will not find ourselves surrounded by loving kindness if we contribute only irritation and hostility. Living according to conscience is living according to what we know is true.

Here is where he reproduces The Paradoxical Commandments, which I repeat here, just because they are always worth noting.

1.  People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4.  The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

Step one is to do the internal work, to ensure that we are aligned within ourselves before we can do the interpersonal work of effectively engaging with others. Life is too painful when we don't do that. We miss our calling, sit helplessly on the sidelines while problems go unresolved and the world turns without our contribution. We can help only after we have developed the moral authority that comes from being a person others know as visionary, disciplined, passionate and conscientious.  
 
The journey continues.

A Covey Appendix: Developing the 4 Human Intelligences

In Chapter 4 of The 8th Habit, Dr. Covey provides a very simple prescription for taking care of the whole self:

1. For the body - assume you've had a heart attack; now live accordingly.
2. For the mind - assume the half-life of your profession is two years; now prepare accordingly.
3. For the heart - assume everything you say about another, they can overhear; now speak accordingly.
4. For the spirit - assume you have a one-on-one visit with your Creator every quarter; now live accordingly.

Well, that about covers it. For those who want a little more guidance, however, he provides a 20 page appendix called "Developing the 4 Intelligences/Capacities - A Practical Guide to Action" containing information and strategies for developing our full human abilities in all four areas.  

Physical (PQ)
There is nothing unique or surprising about the suggestions on the physical side. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of rest, drink water. Covey's special contribution here is the concept of mastery: "When you subordinate your body to your mind and your spirit, the peace and confidence that flow from that kind of discipline and self-mastery is enormous." It's the beginning of the private victory before public victory process he described in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If you can't keep a promise to yourself to reduce calories or walk every day or whatever, what is the value of your promises to others? Strengthening PQ is the first step.

Mental (IQ)
Mental Intelligence is about systematic study and continuous education. Contrary to what was once believed, the amount of smarts we have when we are born can be grown throughout our entire lifetime. Self-awareness, having clarity around the assumptions we bring to problems, is a component of IQ. Covey recommends journaling and other forms of writing to strengthening mental intelligence, along with teaching others what we've learned. (Blogging accomplishes both, hopefully.)

Emotional (EQ)
Much has been written in the last 20 years about emotional intelligence, all very enlightening and transformative. Covey rightly points out, however, that little has been provided in the way of how to strengthen EQ. Until now. My biggest aha! so far in my study of The 8th Habit has been the link Covey draws in this appendix between the elements of EQ and the 7 Habits. Here's what it looks like in a chart:

Developing the Five Main Components of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) through the 7 Habits
Self-Awareness	1. Be Proactive
Personal Motivation	2. Begin with the End in Mind
Self-Regulation	3. Put First Things First 7. Sharpen the Saw
Empathy	5. Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood
Social Skills	4. Think Win/Win 5. Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood 6. Synergize

That's it - the whole ball game. Life in a nutshell. Make a practice of adopting the 7 Habits (and the 8th) and grow your EQ and therefore your personal and interpersonal effectiveness. Whoot.

Spiritual (SQ)
Spiritual intelligence pretty much comes down to 1) integrity, 2) meaning, and 3) voice (our unique gifts.) I love the Robert Frost poem Covey reprints here:

My object in living is to unite
My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight.
Only where love and need are one
And the work is play for mortal stakes,
Is the deed ever really done
For Heaven and the future's sakes.

In other words - assume you have a quarterly visit with your Creator. Now act accordingly.